I’m getting married next Friday, sir. Can I have the day off?
Married! No women would marry you unless she was mad! Who are you marrying?
Your daughter.

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It was a very hot afternoon and David was having trouble keeping his eyes open.
David, wake up, you can’t sleep in class, shouted the teacher.
David lifted his head from his desk and said:
Well, sir, if you didn’t talk so loudly, I’m sure I would be able to!

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If my brothers don’t leave home soon, I’ll have to look for somewhere else to stay. One has six cats; another has four dogs; and my youngest brother has three pigs!
So what’s the problem?
We all live in one room and the smell is terrible.
Why don’t you open the window?
What! And lose all my pigeons? Continue reading →

Mary was meeting her friend, Sheila, who was an incredibly mean person.
How are things with you?
I’m short of cash at the moment. If only I had ten dollars for every man who asked me to marry him.
Yes, then you just might be able to pay for your own coffee.

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I’d like 100 grams of acetysalicyclic acid in tablet form, please.
You mean, said the chemist, you’d like some aspirins, sir?
That’s right. I can never remember the name.

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If only I had been born two thousand years ago.
Why son?
Because there would not be so much history to learn

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I wish you would stop playing that trumpet. I think I’m going mad!
I stopped playing half an hour ago, dad! Continue reading →

Men, I’m sorry to tell you that Corporal Wright was killed by a tiger on a jungle path last night because he didn’t think quickly enough. Private Smith, if you had been in the Corporal’s shoes, what steps would you have taken?
Great big ones, sir!

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A man paid $1000 for a dog that could talk. He took it to a friend and said, “Look at this. I have a dog that talks.”
“Don’t be stupid”, his friend said. “I’ll bet you $30 it can’t talk.”
The dog said nothing and the man had to pay his friend $30. He was furious.
“Why didn’t you say something, you stupid animal? If you had said something, I would have won $30.”
“Not so stupid”, said the dog. “Just think of the money you’ll win next time.”

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When we arrived at the airport this morning, there was a man running up and down shouting. “Take a bus, take a train but don’t take a plane. It’s wrong to fly. If God had meant people to fly, he would have given them wings.”
Who was the man?
Our pilot! Continue reading →

If you had 20 apples in your right hand and 30 in your left, what would you have?
Sore arms.

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A doctor asked three men what they would do if he told them they only had one month left to live.
I would stop work, live quietly, and prepare to die, replied the first man.
I would take all my money out of the bank and spend it, said the second man.
I would get a second opinion, said the third man.

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Spell blind bird.
b-l-i-n-d-b-i-r-d
Wrong. It’s b-l-n-d b-r-d because if it had two i’s, it would not be blind!

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What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Polish them. Continue reading →