Men, I’m sorry to tell you that Corporal Wright was killed by a tiger on a jungle path last night because he didn’t think quickly enough. Private Smith, if you had been in the Corporal’s shoes, what steps would you have taken?
Great big ones, sir!
A man paid $1000 for a dog that could talk. He took it to a friend and said, “Look at this. I have a dog that talks.”
“Don’t be stupid”, his friend said. “I’ll bet you $30 it can’t talk.”
The dog said nothing and the man had to pay his friend $30. He was furious.
“Why didn’t you say something, you stupid animal? If you had said something, I would have won $30.”
“Not so stupid”, said the dog. “Just think of the money you’ll win next time.”
When we arrived at the airport this morning, there was a man running up and down shouting. “Take a bus, take a train but don’t take a plane. It’s wrong to fly. If God had meant people to fly, he would have given them wings.”
Who was the man?
What did you do today, Andrew?
I went swimming in the river.
But where did you leave your clothes?
On the river bank.
But what would you have done if somebody had stolen your clothes?
Andrew thought for a moment and said:
Waited until it was dark before trying to get home.
Harry says that if I had bought you some ice-cream at the cinema last night, you would have let me kiss you.
Well, what would I have to give you to get a kiss?
A famous surgeon had just returned from a hunting trip in Africa. When he came into work, a patient asked him how he had got on.
Oh, it was very disappointing, the surgeon replied. I didn’t kill a thing. I would have been better off if I had stayed here in the hospital.
If it had taken ten men ten days to build a wall, how long would five men have taken?
No time at all, sir.
What do you mean?
Well, the men have already built the wall!
Flight BA 324 had just arrived at Heathrow Airport after an emergency landing. During the flight three of the four engines had had to be shut down because of problems. A passenger went up to the pilot as he was leaving the plane.
What would have happened if the last engine had failed?
The pilot looked at the man and smiled sardonically:
We would all have had to get out and push!
I wish I had enough money to buy twenty elephants
But what do you want 20 elephants for?
I don’t. I just wish I had that much money.
Mr and Mrs Smith have just arrived at the airport to catch a plane to London.
I wish I had brought the piano with me, said Mr Smith
What on earth for? said his wife.
Because I’ve left our tickets on it!