Feel Free to Laugh Before Laugh is Prohibited
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”
“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t even know where the hell she is.”
“Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.”
“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I don’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
“There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.”
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.”
“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”
“Now, they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
“A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.”
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking”
“Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said ‘CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT’.”
“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
“Imagine how thick Japanese people’s photo albums must be.”
“Swimming is not a sport, it is a way to keep you from drowning! That’s just the common sense.”
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